very filled with dreams

"You don’t have to stay anywhere forever."

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:41:08 -0500

“You don’t have to stay anywhere forever.”

- Neil Gaiman, Sandman: Season of Mists. i just realized that it feels weirdly nice to make a decision very much in keeping with one of the major themes of my favorite work of fiction of all time.

when they talked about the potential of web 2.0, somehow liveblogging our nervous breakdowns was not what i had in mind

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 05:35:40 -0500

and yet, here i am, having had my leave of absence processed today, waiting for the weekend when the fam will take me home. temporary college dropout because i don’t think i’ll be coming back.

there are some things for which, i have to tell you, i am not quick on the uptake, like how if you are making a choice that you want to make you happy but in practice makes you miserable to the point of triggering clinical depression, you should possibly consider NOT MAKING IT ANYMORE. i keep thinking about how i could be the poster child for that saying about how the definition of insanity is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting a different result. even as far back as freshman year, what was i expecting from going to a college that was basically the college equivalent of my high school, except with a greater emphasis on the parts of my high school that fucked with my head, and also being a college which meant no “going home” from school?

and after my first leave of absence, when i was happier than i had been in years, i talked myself into going back, somehow expecting that things would be different, and then got all shocked when, bam! depressed again, crying all the time, lonely to the point of feeling all existential about it, stressed and unmotivated. unable to ignore as often as i wanted to the persistent hum of i don’t care i don’t care i don’t care or i don’t want to be here. a slight uptick towards the end of the year, after a 4-day stint on wellbutrin that nearly made me suicidal scared me, i think, into something like normalcy, not to mention the weather got better. but i still freaked out and failed a class - one of only three i was taking - because i never turned in the final paper.

this year when we pulled into harvard square the night i was moving in my stomach tensed up. it’s been doing that all semester, getting unsettled whenever i’m anxious which is all the time. anxious turned to stress turned to depressed, again, some more. turned to totally unable to write papers, as in unable to think anything at all about anything i was assigned to write about, not even able to come up with 5 pages worth of nonsense vaguely relating to the topic at hand, bursting into tears whenever i tried. surprised but not really surprised because this was the same old story with me and this place.

and my helpful local administrator was like, so maybe you should take some time off again, and i was like i don’t want to prolong this whole college thing any more than i have to, and my mom was like, maybe you should take some time off again, and i was like i don’t think it would be time off, it would be going away forever and figuring out something else to do other than getting a B. A. from here, and my shrink was like i don’t really get why you’re not taking a leave of absence because at this point it’s pretty much that or failing out of school and i guess something is blocking you, and i was like, i feel stupid taking a leave of absence AGAIN which i recognize is a stupid reason not to do it but there you have it.

and then on monday i was trying to explain this to a friend of mine and suddenly i realized actually what i really wanted to do was drop the fuck out of this place, spend a little bit of time at home recuperating because i’m lucky enough to have a family that will let me do that, get some kind of job somewhere, and then transfer to city university of new york (which, for those who don’t know, is more or less state school but for new york city, because nyc is awesome enough to be its own state, or something) and go maybe part-time while working, which i have a couple friends who wound up doing when the full-time college student thing didn’t work out for them either for whatever reasons.

and then, and this is the really scary part, i realized there was actually no reason at all for me not to do that, except that i was scared to, which is a bullshit reason for something like this, which meant that now that i realized there was no reason not to do this, i had to do it, and… i don’t waste time, so here we are.

technically i am in fact on leave of absence, which means i can come back up till five years have passed or until the point where i get a bachelor’s from some other institution, which strikes me right now as infinitely more likely than me choosing to enroll here again. but i guess it’s good to keep the option open since there’s no harm in it.

i’m not going to say there’s no part of me that’s freaked out about this, because there’s definitely this other-isabel in my head who keeps yelling at me on like an hourly basis WHO THE FUCK WALKS AWAY FROM A HARVARD DIPLOMA? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU CAN’T YOU JUST SUCK UP BEING SO MESSED UP IT’S HARD TO GET OUT OF BED OR THINK ABOUT ANYTHING EXCEPT HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO DIE FOR ANOTHER YEAR AND A HALF?

and you know, maybe she has a point, but she’s the one, i’m pretty sure, who talked me into coming back after my year off when all my instincts were telling me i really didn’t want to do that, and she was wrong and my instincts were right, so shut up, other-isabel!

my instincts are on board with this decision, and any decision i’ve made following them has always turned out to be one i was glad to have made, even if it didn’t turn out like i expected, and i can’t say that about the decisions i’ve talked myself into.

i’ve said for a pretty long time now that there are pretty much two basic reasons to do anything, and they are: it makes you happy or it makes someone else happy. the applications of these reasons are varied and sometimes incredibly complicated, but that’s kind of what it boils down to, mostly: pursuit of happiness. which means: if something is actively making you unhappy, then no, there is no reason you “should” do it. not because you feel like a failure for quitting. not because you’re scared of figuring out what you’d do instead, at least if you have the resources to allow you to do that. not because SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, WHO TURNS DOWN BEING ABLE TO WRITE B. A. FROM HARVARD ON THEIR RESUME DON’T YOU SEE HOW MANY OPPORTUNITIES YOU’RE - shut up, other-isabel! not a reason!

pursuit of happiness. actively choosing to try to make myself happy. saying, sucking it up and dealing is only worth it if the goal is worth it. sucking it up is not in and of itself a virtue, no matter what the remnants of puritanism want you to think. acting on my own reasons, and not anyone else’s. this is how i want to live my life. this is the example i want to set for myself, regardless of how this particular choice turns out.

here we are. here we go.

blackcrowblues: theskysgoneout: I’m not there is a Dylan equivalent to Across the Universe in my...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 04:34:38 -0500

blackcrowblues:

theskysgoneout:

I’m not there is a Dylan equivalent to Across the Universe in my mind. With that being said I hate both.

The only parts of “I’m Not There” I like are Cate’s, because I feel like she does a pretty tight job as Dylan. I could go without ever seeing Across The Universe again, though.

there was also an ASTOUNDINGLY TERRIBLE twyla tharp dance show (kind of) using dylan’s song which i had the misfortune of seeing. it was SO BAD, OH GOD. traditional broadway musical style singing (which i dig in its proper context) SHOULD NOT MIX WITH DYLAN SONGS WHY IS THIS HARD TO UNDERSTAND PEOPLE.

i’m super fucking picky about dylan covers though (the byrds can BITE ME, their tambourine man fucking sucks).

novazembla: Hypothesized emotional response of human subjects...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 04:32:10 -0500

novazembla:

Hypothesized emotional response of human subjects is plotted against anthropomorphism of a robot, following roboticist Masahiro Mori’s theory of the uncanny. The uncanny valley is the region of negative emotional response towards robots that seem “almost human.” Movement amplifies the emotional response.

i will never be able to hear the phrase “uncanny valley” without thinking of the 30 rock episode where tracey beats the odds and creates a porn video game.

whatnextlove: littlelies: (via...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:26:01 -0500

whatnextlove:

littlelies:

(via its-never-felt-so-real)

favourite favourite.

“joel, am i ugly?”
“…..you’re pretty. pretty pretty pretty.”
he says this as he kisses her all overrrr
i have this movie fucking memorized
not to sure if it’s benefiting me or not

i love this scene so much it borders on the physically painful.

summersanginme: softwhisper: palahniukandchocolate: lucyinthe...

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 00:24:45 -0500

summersanginme:

softwhisper:

palahniukandchocolate:

lucyinthesky87:

What do grown men look like when they cry? Photographer Sam Taylor-Wood handpicked some of Hollywood’s leading film actors and took fascinating portraits of them as they bared their emo side and shed some tears.

this is beautiful - i wish there were more

Here’s a bunch. They’re so beautiful and so sad.

This is incredible.

abbyjean: so given the coverage, i had thought the AMAs were...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:12:46 -0500

abbyjean:

so given the coverage, i had thought the AMAs were just a two hour sex orgy featuring adam lambert and the cast of good morning america, but i sat down to cruise through it on tivo and it turns out some other things happened! one of those things was this kelly clarkson performance of ‘already gone’ which, even though it is not one of my fave songs from the album, was notable both because she looked like twenty hundred million bucks and because her voice seems just effortless.

i want kelly clarkson to be my best friend and/or PUT OUT A FUCKING STRIPPED ALBUM ALREADY. i thought this song sucked on the album, frankly, but i’ve grown to love it in her beautiful soft sparse live performances (i think the jimmy kimmel one is still my favorite).

also, it wasn’t until i heard it live that i actually listened to the lyrics, which are also a lot better than i had assumed. i had thought it was just a kind of generic “oh this relationship is already over i can’t save it” ballad, with the dude in question being the one who was already gone, but “this relationship was always doomed and i’m pulling out because it’s best for both of us,” with her being the one who’s already gone, is a less-often-told and more interesting story, IMO.

ALSO I JUST LOVE HER PASSIONATELY, KELLY CAN WE WATCH CLUELESS AND EAT PIZZA AND TALK ABOUT BOYS TOGETHER?

groundsforplay: classics: thedailywhat: The life of...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:02:27 -0500

groundsforplay:

classics:

thedailywhat:

The life of feet.

[via.]

:)

cute!

hello-kitty: Run DMC Hello Kitty Seen at the Three Apples Art...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 22:23:07 -0500

hello-kitty:

Run DMC Hello Kitty

Seen at the Three Apples Art exhibition

Submitted by bracefacee

poppygallico: I swear I should never do jury duty, I cannot...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:53:27 -0500

poppygallico:

I swear I should never do jury duty, I cannot make up my mind. I haven’t been red since I was fourteen, so I have no photos, but it looked quite nice. And if I was to go light pink it would be lighter than the upper left photo.

BUT STILL I CANNOT DECIDE.

i am also deciding what fun color to make myself next! it was darkish pink (special effects atomic pink on a halfway bleach job because herbal essences makes SHITTY USELESS BLEACH if you have black hair, but it looked kinda neat anyway) and then it really needed a cut and i made it super short so now it’s mostly black with pink tips, which is kinda neat looking, but it’s time for a change! i’m thinking turquoise because i want something really like blatantly happy and cheerful. but i don’t know! agh!

"It’s especially telling that people are up in arms about Adam’s performance but Eminem rapping about..."

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 21:48:13 -0500

“It’s especially telling that people are up in arms about Adam’s performance but Eminem rapping about how many rapes he’s got under his belt just flies under the radar.”

- SarahMC (via amberlrhea)
i always forget about eminem and the fact that apparently he still has a career? but this is a good point!

also, you know, my thoughts on adam’s performance have swung all the way to wholly positive now that i see how much it’s getting people talking. i mean he managed to upstage lady gaga, after she set a piano on fire. that’s smart business. go adam lambert! three chairs for having an openly and assertively gay pop star!

slaughterhouse90210: “Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:34:42 -0500

slaughterhouse90210:

“Can’t repeat the past?…Why of course you can!”
— F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

win.

"This is not a legal problem. This is not a problem statutory reform can solve. Her work was legal..."

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:32:15 -0500

“This is not a legal problem. This is not a problem statutory reform can solve. Her work was legal where she was doing it. She was a service provider engaged in a lawful business enterprise, not meaningfully legally different from a masseuse or a personal trainer or a manicurist, for these purposes. Her work puts her in close contact with customers to whom she provides services. Nothing about that implies that she waives her basic human rights to do her job.

And this is not an enforcement problem. The police made an arrest and the prosecutors brought the case. The judge didn’t throw it out. The case went all the way to a jury.

This is a cultural problem. He admitted he pinned her down, he admitted he covered her mouth, he admitted that he put his penis inside her with no condom … and a jury of ordinary citizens acquitted him anyway. I can’t see any way that happens unless they simply decided that they are so biased against sex workers that they think sex workers deserve to be raped when doing their job.”

- Sex Work Is Not An Invitation To Rape « Yes Means Yes Blog

via igather: abbyjean

(via sexartandpolitics)
(via amberlrhea)

txtsfrmlstnght: (845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn’t...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:31:44 -0500

txtsfrmlstnght:

(845): Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn’t get much more hey arnold than this.

robot-heart: National Geographic Photography Contest 2009

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:29:26 -0500

robot-heart:

National Geographic Photography Contest 2009

amberlrhea: ekswitaj: thedisgruntledgradstudent: slagath0r: ...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:26:48 -0500

amberlrhea:

ekswitaj:

thedisgruntledgradstudent:

slagath0r:

(via chuckgivens)

Win.

Wouldn’t giving unattended children espresso and a drum make it worse for everyone?

That’s the point.

haaa that’s hilarious.

Poets vs. Critics: using different brain systems (Psychology Today)

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:10:54 -0500

Poets vs. Critics: using different brain systems (Psychology Today):

psychotherapy:

Years ago, when I was teaching in the legendary English Department at SUNY/Buffalo, one of our poets, Jerry Maguire,convoked a group to read poems. Jerry’s idea was to bring poets and critics together in order to compare their readings.

What happened surprised me, at least, and, I think, just about everybody in the group. It turned out that poets and critics read poems quite differently.

The critics concerned themselves with things like repetitions and contrasts of themes and meanings. The poets, however, paid attention to repetitions and contrasts of vowels and consonants, rhythmic patterns, and all kinds of features of the sound of the poems. To be sure, there was a certain amount of overlap, but nevertheless, the poets and the critics were reading poems quite differently.

Now, it turns out, they may have been using different systems in their brains. Kenneth Heilman, a neuropsychologist at the University of Florida, has a fine paper setting out the “information-processing approach” to the various aphasias. He lists eleven different aphasias, and his paper uses the kind of block diagrams computer programmers use to distinguish and interrelate them…

poets and critics think about poems differently and this surprises… who?

sendchocolate: boycott-love: i likey. RB for mathcat and...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:55:11 -0500

sendchocolate:

boycott-love:

i likey.

RB for mathcat and shoesonwrong.

ok i would totally buy this clock.

"Why do we Tumbl? In the end, we use Tumblr not because it’s a great way to connect with our readers..."

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:53:17 -0500

“Why do we Tumbl? In the end, we use Tumblr not because it’s a great way to connect with our readers (though it is that), or because we believe this or something like it is a part of a new way forward for interaction between publishers and audience (though we think that too). We use Tumblr because it’s fun and while, you know, you can’t eat fun, or trade it in for fistfuls of dollars to fund serious journalism, we believe there’s a value in doing things we like simply because we like to do them, and that hopefully our fellow Tumblrs will too.”

- Newsweek: Why We Tumbl (via meaghano) (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
fuck yeah!

i’m going south, not west, and not even that far, and...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:52:28 -0500

i’m going south, not west, and not even that far, and i’m going to new york, not away from it. but this song is still going to be in heavy rotation for the next while.

Safe on the interstate
New York is three thousand miles away

And I’m not looking forward to following through
but it’s better than always running back into you
I’ve closed my eyes and my bank account
and gone west, young man

Take off the parking brake
Go coasting into a different state

And I’m not looking forward to missing you
But I must have something better to do
I’ve got to tear my life apart
And go west, young man

And it feels like I’ve got something to prove,
But in some ways it’s just something to do
My friends turn me around and say
You go west, young man

Stepping down off my platform shoes
Sixty-nine in the afternoon

And I’m waiting for someone in the know
Like Pirnir tells me on the radio
Says take it from someone who’s been there before
You go west, young man

And I’m looking for somebody to do
My thinking for me ‘till I come through
The state-line highway sign says
You have gone west, young man

And it feels like I’ve got something to prove
But in some ways it’s just something to do
The state-line highway sign says
You have gone west, young man