writing a ten-sentence email to a friend that takes like 20 minutes because you keep switching windows, then forgetting to send it because suddenly you remember something you want to write a tumblr post on RIGHT NOW, which also takes you time because in the middle of THAT post you want to write a post about how massively ADD you are being this morning, and switching tabs all the damn time, or opening the stickie on your desktop to write some more of those things you want to remember, because if you don’t you’ll forget them, because you are ADD.
all this on a morning where you are really HOPING you didn’t take your antidepressants and thyroid pills twice because that strikes you as a bad idea, because you remember picking up the bottles BEFORE you had breakfast but you THINK you don’t remember taking them before you had breakfast, and evidence SEEMS to bear this out because they were still in your room and there was no cup of water in your room and you never swallow them dry, so probably the vague memory is just from the other hundreds of times you have taken those pills, and you only took them once, after breakfast (which you shouldn’t have done, because you’re supposed to take them early in the morning, and you meant to do that, like three separate times, when you woke up, but you felt reluctance towards climbing the stairs and it only takes about three seconds of reluctance for something to catch your attention and wipe the thought from your mind, again), and comforting yourself with the thought that even if you did take them twice, maybe that wouldn’t be SO bad because you sort of suspect you didn’t take them yesterday because you were too afraid of taking them twice, at the time, to ignore the suspicion that you might have at some point taken them, even though you are pretty sure pills don’t work that way.
and meanwhile, getting frustrated because people think this is hilarious, and actually it kind of is, and you can laugh at yourself, but it would be more hilarious if while thinking it was hilarious people also accepted it as fucking true, and not evidence that you’re just not TRYING to focus, or whatever, because trust me: i try a lot harder to focus than a non-ADD person ever has, except maybe when they are drunk or stoned or sleep-deprived or something. like, being mildly sleep-deprived to the point of increased spaciness: that is my life, except that when i’m sleep-deprived, it is EVEN WORSE.
so like: this is funny! i am affectionately rolling my eyes and internally chuckling at myself! but i am more okay with you doing that if you manage to at least make an effort to imagine, briefly, what it is actually like to be like this, which is: not so bad most of the time, for me, actually, and to be honest i find it pretty fun as a way to exist, because… well because for me at least, ADD also is not being able to comprehend how people who regularly focus on one thing at a time do not just curl up and die of boredom, because seriously: what is life without five different things going on? great for some people, apparently, but it sounds unpleasant to me. but on those occasions when it really benefits a person to be able to slot themselves into the way of being that is expected of people (and admittedly in many situations genuinely beneficial to doing something you want or need to do), it sucks, not least of all because people refuse to believe that this is just your brain and how it exists, and how that is responsible for maybe a lot of things they like about you, like probably your sense of humor and the things they, at least, find entertaining about you as a conversational partner (or, also, a blogger!), and if you are their professor (or, also, someone who follows their tumblr! probably, if you have hearted posts by me, you have hearted a post i would attribute to this aspect of my brain!) probably also their best papers for you, but it is also why you are late, again, which YOU ARE REALLY SORRY ABOUT, GENUINELY AND SINCERELY, AND YOU FEEL TERRIBLE, but you are also doing your best, which doesn’t mean they have to forgive you, but you just really want them to understand that it isn’t, you swear, because you don’t care.
also, you don’t really remember what the original point of this post was, or how exactly you got here? but you are a little sleep-deprived this morning, which means spacier than usual, so such is life, and anyway anyone who has you on their dashboard would have clicked unfollow a long time ago if this sort of thing bothered them, and is free to do so at any time.
IRONICALLY: you also manage to write this post in one super-speed burst, because suddenly you feel VERY INTENSELY about this thing, and sometimes when that happens it means that everything else stops existing for a bit, which is super convenient and you sort of wish - okay, a lot wish - you could turn that aspect of your brain on at will, because you would be like the most efficient person in the world if the way your brain works when it shifts, for whatever inscrutable reason, into this mode, all the time, because this mode is why people take study drugs, which you actually also do for sort of that reason, except you are way less hyper about it than they are, and your brain feels a little slower than usual, which is cool when you want it to, but sometimes you wonder where all the traffic noises and shiny objects at the corners of your mental vision have gone. or… some other less stupid metaphor that makes sense, and is also true, because you’re not sure if you believe any of this anymore.
also, you still do not understand why no one has taken away your access to a keyboard before, BECAUSE REALLY.