re: disorganized mess
like i said i have been kind of a disorganized mess this week, and this week there are excuses - PERSONAL DAY on wednesday fuck yeahhhh, i went to the met (museum - time spent in an opera scene has led me to always clarify) it was delicious of course, then waking up to violent vomiting on thursday?????? upsetting! and i spent all day in bed.
but really all month - really since the last week of february, because that was the schools’ break which for a series of complicated work-related reasons meant i was working in the fucking BRONX. now i live far enough into brooklyn that it is going to be a WHIIIILE before anyone makes this neighborhood trendy, which is mad convenient for my work (well, monday to thursday; fridays are weird) because i work even farther out in brooklyn off my same train line, it’s great. but that means i am FUCKING FAR from the bronx and i was like, no. no, i’m not waking up at 4:30 every day for a week if i don’t have to, i’m going to go crash with my mom in upper manhattan. it was very nice, i had a lovely week.
BUT it totally threw off my routine, which was a rather new routine and therefore fragile (so i tell myself), and i just haven’t quite gotten back on the wagon.
BUT BUT. what i really want to say is that i called myself a disorganized mess and to some extent i stand by it, but recently i found the paper journal i started keeping in november when (like every other part of my life in which i have started keeping a paper journal) i was just freaking out so hard i felt like i needed to, and also i wanted to chronicle the good things happening, but in practice around the time i started it i was just freaking out on paper, a lot.
and holy shit you guys! i was so miserable in november! i’d honestly forgotten, which is another reason i wanted to start keeping it actually, is that it fascinates me how unreliable my memory can be even about my own feelings, and many times i have looked back at paper or internet journals of varying kinds and been like “whoa! remember when i felt THAT? i do now! the fuck?” and i do freak out on tumblr a bit, but mostly in a let’s-laugh-it-off way or in a talking-myself-down way. i realized recently - another retrospective surprise! - that for all i think of my tumblr as me vomiting my feelings all over the internet, i actually don’t think i wrote a ton of personal stuff here until the day i decided to drop out of harvard. and that was kind of necessity-born too, but in a different way. needing a paper journal has always been about confession (my catholic roots showing?), putting into clumsy words the things i can’t bring myself to say out loud to anyone. lots of self-hate in other words since almost always when i am at my most upset it is because of me or i make it because of me. but that post was about me talking myself down. i was sure i was making the necessary if not right choice but i was still so scared and something about putting the whole thing on the internet gave me a push to say “it’ll be okay.” and then i got so used to doing that that it was a real shock a while ago to realize that for the first year+ of my tumblr’s existence i don’t think i did much of it at all.
ANYWAY. the real point of all this is that i was a HUGE MESS in november, and i know for a fact that paper journal or no i was even more of a mess in october, god october was the worst, everyone with my job will agree with that i’m pretty sure, we were all stressed and exhausted and underprepared and overwhelmed, and now i’m maybe still kind of a mess but i’m enough of a not-mess that “disorganized mess” of march looks, from the retrospective vantage point of november, like “highly functional human being.” so that’s cool i guess.
