some people's picket fences are covered in poison ivy
once i met a girl who worked for the same organization i worked for in my year off and who said that she was planning, after this was up, to become a social worker, and specifically she really wanted to work to promote Family. that was a really meaningful value to her. she wanted to help Families. Family was what was important to her.and because sometimes i forget to keep my asshole side inside my brain, and also because i have a seriously allergic reaction to hearing the words “family” and “value” in the same sentence, i think i said something about how the concept of family had never been important in my life. or, it had never been a concept i had attached a lot of importance to.
which, incidentally, is a lie. and then i felt bad and tried to cover it up because, really, i had just said “this thing you work to promote, i don’t actually consider important.” it was a dick move on my part, though future interactions with her would give me cause to regret it less.
but what i was trying to say to her and failing miserably, and the reason that i had an issue with choosing Family as your focus in a profession designed to help people, is that sometimes families fall apart for a reason. sometimes marriage counseling only prolongs and makes more painful the inevitable. sometimes an abuser will use it to further legitimize their abuse. sometimes people are not cut out for the work of being in a family, and are a toxic presence to the one they have wound up with. sometimes preserving Family is not compatible with helping people.
and i think if you go into these situations with an agenda of Preserving Family instead of Helping Individuals Who Are In Families Figure Out What Works Best For Them… you might miss some warning signs. you might not realize that sometimes, one person is to blame and that person is beyond reform. you might, in other words, unintentionally (and i will give her enough credit to say that this was unintentional, like whatever hints of racism i occasionally detected around her were unintentional, but, you know, who cares) prioritize your Value Agenda over the actual people you are supposed to help.
and: i have never, in my life, met a child of divorced parents who wished their parents had stayed together. not saying they don’t exist. but i don’t know any. and i do know people who wish their parents were divorced. people who resent their mothers for staying with their abusive fathers. and you know what? if you go into that situation urging people to think about family togetherness… fuck you, is all. just fuck right off, you’re not helping anyone. some people can’t be reformed fast enough to make their sticking around, for the time being at least, worthwhile.
and i guess maybe if when you think “family” you think of your own very functional and normal and loving upbringing, it makes sense to place “family” on a pedestal like that. but i can’t relate to that, and neither can a lot of people. sometimes family is what fucks you up. sometimes it’s both what fucks you up and what keeps you going. sometimes friends become your family and it is entirely to your benefit, as sad as it may be, to use their support to let yourself leave your family behind. and if you’re not aware of this… i don’t give a shit what your degree says, you have a lot more learning to do before i want you becoming a social worker.
